If It Is To Be, It Is Up To ...

05/31/2026

Photo by Bisakha Datta on Unsplash

For much of my life, I believed deeply in the phrase: “If it is to be, it is up to me.”

There is strength in those words. Personal responsibility matters. Ownership matters. Effort matters. Nobody can live your life for you, and eventually all of us reach moments where we must choose whether we will move forward or remain stuck where fear left us.

That mindset carried me through difficult seasons. Through leadership roles. Through setbacks. Through cancer. Through moments where simply getting out of bed felt like an act of defiance.

But lately, I have been thinking about another philosophy. One that balances that rugged individualism with something equally important. One that a friend of mine John Lesko said to me when I discussed "If it is to be, it is up to me."

Ubuntu.

A word and philosophy rooted in southern Africa, often summarized as: “I am because we are.” Or more simply: “A person is a person through other people.”

Thais idea changes everything.

Because while determination matters, none of us truly survive alone.

Not really.

As Americans, we are often taught to celebrate self-made people. The lone figure overcoming impossible odds through grit and willpower. We admire independence so much that sometimes we forget how interconnected we actually are.

But when I look honestly at my life, especially over the last eighteen months, I cannot pretend I got through any of this alone.

When cancer entered my life, I did not fight by myself. Maria stood beside me through every appointment, every setback, every fear-filled night where uncertainty hung heavy in the room. My boys gave me reasons to keep pushing forward and offered their strength when mine faltered. Friends and distant family members checked in when I needed encouragement. Doctors, nurses, and therapists poured their knowledge and compassion into helping me heal. People prayed for me. People fed us. People sat with us in silence when words were not enough. Even strangers offered kindness.

That is Ubuntu.

The truth is, healing is rarely an individual act. So much of life is communal, whether we admit it or not.

The older I get, the more I realize that leadership works the same way.

Early in my career, I thought being a good leader meant having all the answers. Being strong enough, capable enough, driven enough to solve every problem myself.

But the best teams I have ever been part of were never built around one person. They were built around trust. Shared sacrifice. Shared purpose. People lifting each other when somebody stumbled. My previous boss Chuck Coe exemplified this idea. He walked the walk and relied on his team to deliver excellence. I miss him greatly and found myself wishing I could tap into his knowledge when I became a senior executive. But even though he was gone, he left a team of other amazing leaders that worked alongside of him and were their for me when I needed it.

A healthy team understands something important: your success is tied to mine.

That idea transformed the way I tried to lead people.

Instead of asking, “How do I succeed?” I started asking, “How do we succeed together?” That is a much harder question. But it is also a much more meaningful one. Ubuntu reminds us that our actions ripple outward.

The kindness we show matters. The bitterness we carry affects others. The grace we extend changes environments.

The love we give shapes families. The encouragement we offer may keep somebody else going another day.

None of us are isolated islands. We belong to one another more than we realize.

Even now, as I continue rebuilding strength physically and emotionally, I am reminded daily that recovery is not just about my own effort.

Yes, I still have to do the work. I still have to show up for physical therapy. I still have to take care of my health. I still have to make difficult choices.

But I do not walk this road alone.

Maybe that is the balance life tries to teach us. “If it is to be, it is up to me” reminds us to take responsibility for our lives.

But Ubuntu reminds us that responsibility does not mean isolation. Strength and community are not opposites. They are partners. We rise together. We heal together. We grieve together. We celebrate together.

Maybe the deeper truth is this: “If it is to be, it is up to us.” Not because individual effort does not matter. But because humanity has always moved forward shoulder to shoulder.

None of us become who we are alone.

I am because we are.

Thank you John Lesko for helping me reframe this idea, many years ago.